There were in fact significantly more then two nurses involved, but it just sounds nicer.
Also, DISCLAIMER,
I have the upmost respect for nurses. They work long, sometimes thankless hours,
& have to put up with joyful people just like me.
So, here goes.
Because deep down I'm 6 years old, I had to have tubes put in my ears.
While it was discovered I have very desirably straight ear canals, that is where anything good can stopped being said about my ears.
My dearest dad was called upon to chauffeur me
& being the good sport he is, always the Ethel to my Lucy, he came through again.
Per the usual when left to my own devices, we arrived at the hospital 15 minutes early,
& of course, per their usual, they were running behind.
I do feel it's only fair to point out that this was very early on a Tuesday following a Monday Holiday, or what I like to lovingly refer to as Pretend Monday.
& Not all of us were allowed coffee
& some of us who could, really, really should have.
& Everyone involved except for dad really should have made use of the available sedatives.
When we finally got back to pre-op, my assigned nurse(s) was(were) having what I can best describe as a rough day & it was just beyond 8 a.m.
I tried to be pleasant, & offered witty banter that was immediately swatted down
as crazy-pants rushed around
& I kid you not- called someone to ask for back up,
repeatedly hollering into the phone that they didn't have enough staff.
A few things: while my mothers disagrees, I feel like I'm pretty unflappable
& remain calm per the situation.
Also, like a wasp with a horrible poker face, I like you until I don't & you'll know it.
I was ready to jump ship at this point.
But it gets better.
Then came the old hospital gown, & the instructions to remove everything,
leaving only room for the Holy Ghost.
Ummmmm. NO.
Some of you might have a hard time believing it, but deep down I'm pretty modest about my stuff.
They were not getting me out of my undermost layer.
& were much dismayed over it.
assuring me that they were mindful of my personal modesty.
& finally trying to convince me there was a chance I might have an accident under the anesthesia
& would be forced to wear wet pants home.
Oh, friend.
I've had 3 babies, with rather large heads.
I don't cough, laugh, sneeze or jump & on the off chance I do, there's a spare pair in my purse.
I'm a mom, I come prepared for anything.
But, I really think my favorite part was when she was quizzing me on my pain tolerance.
HER: On a scale of 1-10 how high is your pain tolerance?
Me: Ummmmmmm
HER: When do you reach for the Tylenol or Advil?
Me: Ummmmmmm I don't use those.......so?
HER: But when?
Me: I don't know, 10?
HER: That's equivalent to someone having their leg cut off with a chainsaw.
Me: I had natural childbirth more then once & on purpose?
HER: Not possible, pick another number.
Me: Ummmm 7?
HER: Better.
Because really, why don't you just tell me what would end this, please.
Then, came the IV.
No surprise I disagreed with Satan's choice of vein for the IV, in my lower fore arm
& at this point was somewhere between crying & leaving.
Me: That vein will either blow, or be very uncomfortable.
HER: Well, too bad.
(it didn't blow)
HER: you can put your arm down, I'm done.
Me: Ya, that feels like my leg being sawed off, I'd rather not.
& Then blessedly she left,
but not before chucking a copy of patient rights & responsibilities at me, to include a lovely paragraph about respecting religious & moral beliefs....
-------END NURSE 1------
Like a breezy ray of sunshine, enter nurse 2
BROOKE
Everyone should be like Brooke.
She smiled, she was happy, she made me feel like it was all going to be okay.
Our time together was short.
After Brunhilde had made me feel so horrible about staying covered, I apologized to the surgery team about having to work around my underthings, you know what they said?????????
WE ARE HERE TO HELP YOU FEEL COMFORTABLE
even if in their minds they wanted to strangle me, or accidentally drop me off the table.
They were lovely & reassuring.
So to Nurses Brooke & Shauna, & Anesthesia Andy
Thank you.
& Just like my last words, I'll bring you cookies.
I'd also like to acknowledge the recovery nurse, I never did get your name, Thank you for the tissues.
I don't get sick after anesthesia, but Lord if I don't have a good cry.
I've been reassured many times that my hearing will return one day,
& the kids are pretty tickled that I can blow air out of my ears now,
But given the option to do this in the hospital again,
I'm going to seriously rethink having it done, awake in the clinic & use my high pain tolerance to experience my ear drum being numbed- something described to me as being stung by 10,000 wasps.
I like wasps, & chainsaws, just not unfriendly nurses.
