Because there is no Almost Widows Club

*Firstly, I would like to say, that I am going to try to say this with all the respect possible, for everyone involved*

It sounds like a bad joke, so please stop me if you have heard this one before:

There was this girl, she loved 3 boys

She married one of them, & the other 2 died.

Seriously.

Boy#1-  actually after after boy #2, but passed away in 2010, at the age of 30, massive heart attack. in an interesting turn of events, boy #1 & #2 graduated from the same high school, 2 years apart. In another interesting twist, boy #1 & boy #3 shared the same profession.

Fallout: He didn't like dogs, or vinegar based condiments, but he wanted to marry me & have babies.

Boy #3- Most of you know, 'ya know. When they say you should marry your best friend, they were correct. I think that is what has gotten us this far, & will hopefully carry us farther. It takes a special person to handle my brand of crazy, & still think I am the greatest part of his life.

A Love Song

With that being said....

I feel like they need to come up with a better word, for the person you love, but are not married to, who you more or less live with, & not only do you exchange house keys, but also vehicle keys, & you wash your underwear in the same load, & you call to say that you are stopping at the store, is there anything they need, because ex-boyfriend/girlfriend just doesn't cover it.

&that is the grey area.....

 Boy #2-  He died, too. & I am sad. Stupid Cancer.

It feels like home to me, Where I belong

We were young, & crazy in love. When we didn't end up married, I'm pretty sure the only one who wasn't surprised, was him. But, he didn't want to get married until he was 30, & he didn't. 
I wanted babies, & I didn't want to wait. 
The women in my family seem to have sketchy pregnancy luck- I don't know how I ended up with 3, for the most part healthy pregnancies & babies. Mom had to wait years, YEARS to get my older sister. There have been miscarriages, complications, nicu stays, infant loss.
Would it have ended differently, would it have been worth the wait? Would he still be dead?

One of our biggest fights, had been about predestination. I was sure, just sure, because the Bible tells me so, that our lives are already written, that someone, somewhere knows exactly how we will live our lives. He was convinced that we had control over how our story reads. We had been in his truck talking about this, driving home from somewhere, & I was so heated over this, that I told him to pull over, so I could just walk back to the house.
Could we have written a different ending? Would the story have changed?

 For the animal lover that he was, & he was, he hated that I named all his cows, because I did. If he hadn't expressly forbid me from doing it, I would have let all 200+  sleep in the bed, with us.

Alabama said it best......

I was not a good farmer. It turns out that I allergic to brome grass (hay), & cattle saliva & dander. Even if I had wanted to, I couldn't. But if I could, would it have mattered?

When we broke up, he got the  friends, & really the entire state. Now, he is dead, & this is a sticky wicket.

There is no one for me to reminisce with, that knew him, about our time together. He made a life with someone, & so have I. I wasn't there. It wasn't me.

 So, what do you do about that? Without stepping on toes?

Have I gone round the bend on this one? Do I have any right to be as sad as I am ? He was an important character in my story.......

The Dance

Now the part, where I am the worst human being ever:  Truthfully, I was a little relieved that it wasn't me, both times. Wow, really dodged that bullet...... 

When boy #1 died, I was 26. I had 3 babies. What if I had married him? I would have been a 26 year-old widow, with 3 babies. It's possible.
When I found out that boy #2 had cancer, after I got over the shock of it, I realized, that if I had waited, we would be newly-ish weds, we could either be expecting baby #1, or baby #1 would have been a new-ish born. How do you have a new baby & a dying husband? Is that even possible?

But, here I sit, in my nice home, with a living & breathing Husband, who I like a lot, with 3 mostly healthy babies. Eating pizza with Ranch dressing.